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Wednesday, September 17, 2014

Lagos Girls Don't Want To Chop Your Money By Opeyemi Famakin [PART 1]

I am an Ajebutter. Not by birth, or by formings, or by swag – I am simply an unapologetic Ajebutter by default. I didn't choose to be born one. God, without seeking my opinion (because He's God, I guess), gave me the genes of an Ajebutter and a funny Bri-Merican accent . By luck or some twisted work of fate, fortune, Karma (I might have killed ten defenseless puppies in my past life) or destiny, I have found myself in Lagos, crazy Lasgidi, and this is my story…

Lagos girls can be called a lot of things. Dumb, smart, funny, cheap, expensive, ugly, fine, literate, tush, kpako...whatever. But you know what? None of that is true. Lagos girls are the most beautiful creatures on earth. I feel this way for now, maybe until I go to Brazil, and soak myself in all those hot booties and high-rounded buttocks. But for now, let's stick with our lovely Lagos girls. Na food wey dey your front wey you go chop!

People call Lagos girls all sorts of names, but to be fair, you only get the kind of girls you do because of the way you are. If you're tush, tush girls come to you, if you're the guy who drinks Alomo on the daily, and smoke weed without any iota of Ajebutterism in you, then brother, don't go on your knees hoping God will send you Genevieve Nnaji. If you get a whore, then give thanks to Jah Almighty.

First, let's talk about the issue of money. Attack me if you want, but most Lagos girls do not want your money. Maybe the student girls need the cash, but good luck to you if you're an honest working class guy, and find yourself attracted to the funny accents and formings of the young women from UniLag, with pointy breasts, and tempting arses, then my brother, you are surely on the highway to your village. Broke, penniless, and dry. They will suck your money and give it to their handsome, bubbly student boys with more swag, and energy.

I'm not saying you should never date a student. God forbid! Students deserve all the love they can get. All I'm saying is that you should respect yourself and your career, and allow the students date the students. Let the broke students date broke students. Let them sneak out of their hostels, drink garri, eat chicken and chips, hug themselves, and disvirgin themselves. Don't get into that equation, unless you have a good career ahead of you as an Aristo Daddy. Then God bless your hustle.

Lagos girls do not want your money. No. All they want from a good guy is love and affection. If your wallet gets thrown open in the course of being a loverboy, then they'll love you more. Your ATM is not their prayer point. They look out for potential, and a good career guy who is sure to have all the skills and talent to one day be the millionaire. Those things last. Your present money might not.

So that's said. Let's go straight to the fun part. No Lagos guy is supposed to be single. Women plenty for Lagos. But the reason why many still stay single is because they have what the Non-Ajebutters call 'Big Eye' or 'Open Eye'. They want more than they deserve.

"That girl no get yansh, that girl no get yansh"....that was how my Uncle Aje died alone and sad at 60.

It's only in Lagos that an Agbero will go to church and pray for the woman of his dreams. And guess who she is? You will expect an Agbero to pray for a fellow Agbero woman, with thick yam legs, and an annoying 'H' speech factor. But no! He'll pray for a supermodel girlfriend, with plenty of money and a big shiny car.

Thief! Doesn't he fear God? Or him Papa no give am sense? In fact I am angry now. I can't write anymore.
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Peace and good hustle. Let broke people, date broke people. Unless your heart is a charity organisation, or you are an Aristo Baba

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